Who Wants to be a Gillionaire!
by Bahamut Chris
Summary: An evil entity decides to send a plethora of characters into mid-1970's Japan to try to win... one million gil! Crossover, mind you, but there was none in the VG category.


__

WARNING, this fanfic contains Final Fantasy IV, X, Kikaida, Suikoden I, LiveALive (but who cares about that one anyway), Vanguard Bandits and Xenogears spoilers. Toss in a little religious references and we have Mature Content,' too. Therefore, this fic "Generally should not be read by anyone (-Fritz Fraundorf)." With that said, rest assured that you have been sternly warned.

"Are you sure that you kan live with a speech impediment like this one? Especially with that krappy exkuse for a gameshow?" asked the shadowy figure.

"Anything! As long as the ratings climb out of the trash!" the man in the cheap suit pleaded.

"Very well then. I kan finally eksrocise myself of this kurse. I will give you the power to kontrol the places of objekts and beings in time itself, and evade all forms of governmental kopyright influence, with all strings attached,"

"Of course. People will watch my gameshow in droves. All I need is some celebrity placement and a good setting. I mean, didn't you watch that episode where Jet Li made a guest appearance? Our ratings could even compete with reruns of Chocoball Z!' In fact, you can be in it too, if you want,"

"Sorry, but I think that I kan afford to pass you up on your offer. You kannot reverse this process once it takes place, you _do_ know that, am I not korrekt?"

"It's worth it. Well, then, here's your Cid," the man in the cheap suit handed the shadowy figure Cid VI, who had electric collars strapped to him. Cid IV sat in the corner, tied up and strapped in the same collars. They delivered a shock in the event that either one tried to untie himself from the ropes that kept him in place.

"And here is your evil kurse,"

There was a bright flash of light. The shadowy figure was gone, and the man in the cheap suit's eyes glowed red with evil.

"Now, all television viewers will almost _need_ to watch my gameshow! I will kontrol the television waves every Thursday night!" He let out an evil laugh, got into his '83 Hyundai and drove off to the Job Class Application building

Bahamut Chris presents

****

Who Wants to be a Gillionaire!

__

Español en Sap (where available)

The members of the `Ekupo group got together at Neclord's Castle to contemplate their next number-one-on-the-music-charts song. It consisted of Neclord, the vampire, Thanatos, the dealer with the underworld, Jagan, the Earl of the Dead, and Artemecion, the Superslick addict Moogle.

"I think that we should sing something about eating the souls of everyone in a kingdom and making them wear cult-masks!" suggested Thanatos in Dyluck's body.

"I think that we should do something about destroying the world with Mana Beasts! Like in that movie, Puff the Magic Dragon Emperor!'" shouted Jagan.

"Screw that! We're a Hawaiian-contemporary group, not that crappy P. Diddy Kong! We're supposed to do songs about love and betrayal. And we're supposed to take songs that _we_ sang already and make them seem fresh by giving them different names. We're not supposed to take things that other people did and remix them. That's copyright infringement, kupo," explained Artemecion, who was basically only in because he was their marketing manager (and he came up with the group name).

"Why don't we do a song that we can all agree on. Thanatos, you like to eat peoples' souls, don't you?"

"Isn't that what I just said we should make a song about?"

"And you, Jagan, didn't you want to do a song about destroying the world? Does it have to be with Mana Beasts?"

"Well it's good, as long as the world gets destroyed," said Jagan.

"And Artemecion, it has to be a remake of one of our old songs and deal with deception and love?"

"Yeah, that's how the market plays now-a-days. Why, do you have an inspirational, Shinrä Tap-like-cult-worthy idea?" asked Artemecion.

"Not like _that_, but I think I might have an idea. We'll do a song about sucking peoples' blood, making them into mindless zombies, destroying the world in the process, and we'll even add in a love theme!"

"How the hell are we gonna do that?"

"We'll figure something out, or I don't make a repeat appearance in Suikoden II!"

"I'm in. Anything to get to the top of the charts again," said Thanatos.

"And you say we'll destroy the world in the song? Count me in, too," said Jagan.

"And it even has a love theme! Great! I'll start getting all the recording studio arrangements and we'll be at the top again in no time!" chimed Artemecion.

Regis Philbin stood in line at the Job Class Application center. When it was his turn, he went up to the employee and introduced himself. "Hello, I'm Regis Philbin and I'd like to apply for the Job Klass Title of Evil Gameshow Host,'" he explained.

"I have to ask you a few questions first, sir Have you ever applied to be an Evil Gameshow Host before —_—" she asked, in a nasally tone.

"No, I kannot say that I have,"

"Have you ever been arrested for appearing as being under the influence of foreign substances as an Evil Gameshow Host —_—"

"I just said that I was never an Evil Gameshow Host before,"

"Just answer the question, sir —_—"

"No,"

"Do you have any experience in the field of being either Evil or being a Gameshow Host —_—"

"I haven't had any experience in being evil, but I have been a Gameshow host,"

"I'll need to see some ID, then —_—"

"Damn, woman, I'm Regis Philbin! Haven't you ever seen me on Who Wants to be a Millionaire!'?"

"I've never seen the show, sir But I've heard that the ratings were terrible Now I have to see some ID, —_—" Regis was getting fed up now. He reluctantly reached into his wallet and handed the employee his ID card. "There, now that wasn't so difficult, was it —_—"

"(Aktually, it was more diffikult that it needed to be. I should strike you down right now!) No, it wasn't. Now, do I have the job?"

"First, you have to fill out these forms, sir —_—" She handed him a stack of papers. "You can fill them out at the desk over there, and then give them to the applications clerk —_—" She pointed to an even longer line than the one that Regis had just been standing in. Not wanting to have to sign everything himself, he summoned all the best signature-forgers from out of time and had them forge his signature and handwriting on all of the papers. Then, he sent them back to their respective time periods.

After waiting in the second line, Regis gave the stack of papers to the clerk there. "Thank you for waiting —_—" he said.

"When can I expekt my new Job Klass Title?" asked Regis.

"Oh wait, you're applying to become an _Evil_ Gameshow Host You have to answer a few more questions —_—" Concealing his anger, Regis reluctantly agreed. "Okay, how long have you been Evil without applying for the title —_—"

"Hmm about two hours now,"

"Alright. Now, I need to know what kind of Evil you are. Is it innate, self-initiated, or a curse —_—"

"Uhh I think it's a kurse,"

"Alright, then Sign here and you'll be an official Evil Gameshow Host —_—" the man pointed to a line on a document. Regis took the pen that was chained to the desk with about a foot of Mithralloy® brand chain (Guaranteed to last through the next Apocalypse!™ or your money back.). He signed his name on the line and set the pen down on the desk. "Welcome to the Hierarchy of Evil Please enjoy your stay —_—"

After leaving the building, Regis got into his jalopy and noticed the parking ticket in his window. "Double-parking I was _not_ double-parked! I just found a kompact spot between two other kars! And they even skratched up my paint job!" he complained out loud. Checking the parking-lines by looking out of his window, it _was_ a large parking space. Pulling out of his stall, he realized that the ticket was right. Still reading the ticket and backing up at the same time, he ran over a curb. "What the hell was that?" Again, looking outside of his window, he saw the curb. "Damn kurbs! Akt like they own the frikken road," Without another thought, he dodged a few more infernal curbs and left the parking lot.

Four ninjas slunk through a facility on a thievery attempt. One was in a dark gold ninja-suit, the second was in a black ninja-suit, the third in a dark purple. The fourth was in a loud neon orange bodysuit. He seemed to have been separated from the other three.

"Oboro, where's Sydonia?" the first ninja asked the one in purple.

"I dunno, Zeroshin. Do you, Saijin?" he asked the one in black.

"Not a clue," he responded. "I hope that Sydonia didn't attract any attention with that damn bodysuit,"

In a guard-tower overlooking the facility, two guards had caught sight of the ninja in question. " Hey, who's that?" asked the first guard.

"Uh jeez, I really don't know," responded the second. "So what _is_ a ninja-looking person doing in a neon orange suit? I guess he couldn't possibly be a ninja if he's in a bodysuit like that. Besides, when _don't_ you see the weirdoes here?"

"Should I sound the alarm?"

"Nah, not yet," The ninja in the neon orange bodysuit climbed a wall with a security camera scanning the surrounding area and began to tamper with it. "Uh okay, now's a good time," The second guard threw an alarm switch, sending loud sirens off.

"Warning, all personnel, there is a ninja in a loud neon orange bodysuit who has infiltrated the facility. I repeat, a ninja in a loud neon orange bodysuit has infiltrated the facility. And by the way, there is a blue light special in aisle six,"

"Crap, isn't that where we just got all these things from?" asked Zeroshin.

"You mean that we went through all that crap when we could've got this stuff on a blue light special? Damn Kmart. They really know how to make your attempts to steal something not very worthwhile," replied Saijin.

"At least we didn't have to wait in that line" optimized Oboro.

"You could put it that way. Well, we better get our getaway car and get his ass out of there!" the three piled into a tea-green Japanese-imitation VW bug and drove up to Sydonia. He jumped in through an open window and they sped off.

"I'm supposed to be driving! So was the toilet paper worth it? Especially with those rising costs," he asked.

"I'm not in the mood to hear it, Sydonia," replied Zeroshin.

"THE END!" Kikaida, the half-red and half-blue Cyborg, yelled, destroying Gray Rhino King by sending him off of a cliff. "Now I is checking if Mitsuko and Masaru am at DARK hideout!"

An explosion resonated through the air. Kikaida heard it coming from the Dark hideout and ran in that direction. It had been destroyed, and Masaru and Mitsuko might still have been in there. Looking around for any traces of life, Kikaida began to lose hope.

"Jiro! Jiro!" called two familiar voices. "We all right. Father am missing but. I sorry though I is worry you," a Japanese girl called to him. Her younger brother ran to his side.

"Jiro! Jiro!" he cried happily.

"Glad everything am right all. But must I leave. Not worry, I find you when trouble are here," Jiro-Kikaida assured. He jumped into the air with footage that would be used in the rest of the series and became Jiro, the Guitar Man in a denim jacket, with a motorcycle helmet. He called his Trusty Sidecar™ and rode off.

"Jiro! Back come!" called Mitsuko.

Will Jiro ever defeat DARK? What has become of Dr. Komyoji? Jiro continues on his never-ending quest

Tsu-zu-ku

"And now for the greatest show in all television history! And the few loyal viewers, you kan rest assured that your alkolyte-like dedikation to watching this show will pay off tonight. We have a new kind of show now! It will be kalled Who Wants to be a Gillionaire!' Using the Black Arts and the powers of Time Kompression, I shall kall forth people to kompete in this one-of-a-kind episode. Our kontestants will be on two teams. They will eliminate the kontestants on the opposing team. The remaining kontestants on the winning team will win one million gil! And now for our kontestants!" Regis announced. He drew up his evil energies and sent everything swirling into mid 1970's Japan.

"Where where the %&#@ am I?" Cid Highwind asked himself. He looked around him. There were high-rises that had slight feudal Japanese influences on their construction style. Beside him were also Cid VIII, Cid IX, and Cid V. "Heey ain't you those Cids that were at the arena with that damn Chinese guy?"

"You you're the one that changed me into a frog! Well, I'm better now, and there's no hard feelings, are there?" said Cid IX.

"And I got all the girls in Karnak! Yeah!" announced Cid V.

"You were the one with that vulgar language! You would have hours of detention in minutes at Garden! But I guess it's okay here. But how did we get here, anyway?" asked Cid VIII.

"Wasn't there one more of you?" asked Cid VII.

"You must mean Cid VI. I I really don't know! He must've been left with that crazy guy in a cheap suit! I can't seem to remember his name Regis Regis _something_, it was!" said Cid V.

"He must've done something to Cid VI, then. Well, I'm sure that we'll figure things out sooner or later. Or like in the last time, everything will be explained quite soon,"

"What about that damn Cid that had that &@^#$ nasty affair with his airships?" asked Cid VII.

"It seems that Jet Li was right, he really _did_ die," said Cid V, looking down in reverence for a fallen comrade.

"We'll get revenge, I swear it!" proclaimed Cid IX.

"Who did you say that this fellow was, Cid V?" asked Cid VIII.

"Regis Regis Fill Regis _PHILBIN_! That's his name!" exclaimed Cid V.

"Well, then, I'm gonna have an audience with that #(*@^%#&@*#$ and see what the hell is going on," Cid VII said, "Who's comin' with me?"

"Is stop!" a voice called.

"Who the #*^@ are _you_?" Cid VII asked, turning around to meet none other than the face of Jiro.

"Myself am Jiro!"

"Jeez, talk about an Engrish accent!" Cid V teased.

"Myself hearing they is speaks Regis Philbin! Is maybe what Prof. Gill is good! There, I with going, too yourself!"

"What did he say?"

"Wait, I have a doctrine in the translation of Japanese Engrish! He just said that he heard you talking about Regis Philbin. Maybe he's where (this) Prof. Gill is at, as well. Here, come follow me!' Ah, yes, mid-1970's Japan, Land of the Rising Engrish," Cid VIII translated. So they did as Jiro said and followed his lead to an apartment, in which they were left alone again.

Cecil woke up in a Shinto-religion shrine. Golbez was next to him, seemingly comatose. He quickly got to his feet and exclaimed, "Die, heathen!" He drew the Ragnarok sword and prepared to lop Golbez's head off. But then, the sound of a guitar stopped him. He looked around to see its source. He saw Jiro.

"You! He not heathen!" Jiro shouted. He pointed to Cecil. "Myself are Jiro! You no anybody to kill! Away, go, I bring him!" Jiro hoisted Golbez over his shoulder and went back to the apartment. Of course, Cecil didn't know that. Yes, the fact that Jiro went to the apartment.

"You," Cecil looked around for the source of the voice.

"Do you speak Japanese Engrish too?" Cecil inquired.

"No, I speak it quite cleanly. You wish to destroy the one who helped your bro er, that heathen, do you not? Then come. I am Prof. Gill. I can help you defeat Kikaida and that other person," An old Japanese man slithered out of the shadows in the corner of the temple. "Come with me, and we will together rid the world of (this boy looks like a Paladin I shouldn't say all things good and pure.) evil!"

"Do you speak the truth? Can I truly defeat Golbez?"

"Without a doubt, but you must first assist me"

"Vhat am I doing here? I demant an explanation!" Zakov yelled, in his thick Eurotrash accent. He had awakened in a Japanese prison-cell. "Vhere is my ATAC? You, guart over dhere!" he called to the cell guard.

"Up, shut in!" he ordered.

"Vhy am I even in dhis place, guart?"

"Know sleep in park am illegal?"

"Dhis ees just kreat. Just fricken kreat. First, I am ketting yell't at by Fokkner, and now _dhis_! I am beink apprehended by Engrish-speakink guarts! For sleepink in a fricken _park_! Somevhone, fricken help me out of dhis place!"

"I have a solution" Prof. Gill's voice resonated from the corner of the jail cell. " One that does not require you to understand this Engrish crap,"

"Hmm perhaps you are speakink my lankuage now," Zakov responded. "But I shouldn't be speakink with people that I cannot see. I'm sorry," Prof. Gill stepped out of the shadows. "That ees more like it,"

"Now, just get the guard's attention and you can get out,"

"GUART!" yelled Zakov.

"What you now?" the guard asked. A mechanical lobster crept up from behind him and put him out of commission. It tore open Zakov's cell and the three escaped.

"So vhat are your motives, you olt keezer?" asked Zakov.

" You know, I never really though about that. I suppose that I just want to rule Japan. And don't call me keezer,' you can refer to me as Prof. Gill," Prof. Gill responded.

"And vhy do you neet me?"

"Because without sufficient manpower, DARK, my industry, will go under. You will undoubtedly have a high-ranking position. So, are you with me?"

"Without a doubt, Prof. KGill,"

"That is good,"

Tidus woke up next to Lulu under a Cherry Blossom tree. "(Well. That was close, I could have been arrested for sleeping out in public!)," Tidus thought to himself. "(I wonder whatever happened to Auron, anyway. One day, he was there, and then he never came back. Something must've happened to him.)," A mechanical lobster leapt out of the tree. " Lulu! Wake up!"

Lulu slowly came to consciousness. She first noticed Tidus, then the mechanical lobster. "Machina I shouldn't have much trouble with this," she said, knowing all too well what to do. "You shouldn't be using Machina," she mumbled. A storm of thunder came down from the heavens and bombarded the mechanical lobster.

"Gwaa! Wait until I tell Prof. Gill about this! Then you'll really get it!" the lobster yelled in a scratchy, dry, mechanical voice. It ran away, leaving a trail of smoke behind it. Jiro jumped down from the roof of a building that was presumably somewhere nearby.

"Myself are Jiro. Myself sight fought. Please, use of Engrish, excuse," he introduced himself. "You come me. To apartment,"

"I think he wants us to follow him," Tidus suggested. They followed Jiro to his apartment and saw the Cids and Golbez there.

"Who the hell are these people?" asked Cid VII as they entered. "First, you give us this weird #(*$&@ in dark armor and now a kid in some ##@*&^ up get-up and a bitch that's wearin' less than me when I visit Costa de Sol? I'm startin' to wonder about you, Jiro,"

"No you complain. Wonder you here? Well says I," Jiro began.

"Huh?" asked Cid V.

"Well, Jiro said, Don't complain. You're probably wondering what's going to happen, yes? Well, I will tell you,'" translated Cid VIII.

"Don't you tell me to shut up, @)%(*&^!*%!$!" Cid VII ranted.

"Didn't he just say not to complain, not to shut up?" asked Cid IX.

"You stay out of this, frog-Cid,"

"Quiet! Now us am speaking!" Jiro interrupted.

"Be quiet! Now, we will talk!" Cid VIII interpreted.

"I wasn't strong enough" grumbled Osted. "I needed more power I hope I didn't say what I just think I did" Grahf descended form the sky.

"What it is, mo-fo? You want my shiz-nit? You take it and you'll get ripped, homey," he asked.

"No. Go away"

" Come on, mo-fo! I thought we was homeys! Jus' one!"

" All right. But just one!"

"Take this -Drive- and you be all g, ya heard?"

"Thanks, Grahf. I don't know where I would be without you"

"You would be one #&^@* up %)&*(^!#$@#&. Okay, I'm out," and with that, Grahf left.

"-Drive-" Osted walked along. He saw a store with a large sign in large Japanese text and decided to take a look at the strange things that were in the windows. Under the large Japanese sign, there was a smaller, almost imperceptible sign in sketchy English. "Tomoshige's Television Eporium," it read. Being from medieval times, he had never seen a television before.

"Something made by foolish humans it could never be true. I have nothing left anyway goddamn Sakaguchi"

"You desire the destruction of humans? I think that I know how to assist you in your quest, boy," Prof. Gill's voice came from the inside of the television Eporium.

"Are you not a human as well?"

"They have wronged me as much as they have wronged you, boy," He walked out of the store. "And besides, I needed to grab a few more television sets for my evil headquarters. Security cameras, things of the like. You know,"

"Actually, I don't"

"Well, no matter, boy. If you come with me, you can have your vengeance on humans for whatever wrong they might have done you," Prof. Gill led Osted to DARK's secret base. Zakov and Cecil were waiting for them there.

"So, another person has joined out worthy cause of purging the world of its evil," Cecil said.

"And I vill haff dhe klory dat I deserff!" Zakov gloated.

"These people are they here to fight for you? Why do you trust people, Prof. Gill?" asked Osted.

"I have enough. Now you will learn the reason of your presence here. Regis Philbin has explained everything to me. Now listen carefully, your victory or defeat will judge our statuses of millionaires!"

"Alright! We finally got al the lyrics together and we're ready to record, Artemecion. Now, is everything ready?" asked Neclord. The Ekupo members and their instruments were at the recording studio already. 

"It's about damn time! Toran Castle Records threatened to cut our contract if we don't come out with some new stuff soon, kupo!" Artemecion warned. He had a CD player in one paw.

"Heeey, is that our latest record? Kick ass! Dammit! I control this kid's body, but I'm using all of his stupid adolescent vocabulary" Thanatos said.

"Well, actually, I'm listening to Bruddah IZagami's new hit single, Somewhere over the Chocobo!' It's really cool! He even has this _huge_ ukulele solo strain, kupo!" Artemecion advertised, rubbing some Superslick over his coat.

"You know that you shouldn't be supporting other Hawaiian-contemporary groups, Artemecion! You're our _manager_, for Hell's sake!" Jagan scolded. He grabbed his ukulele and started tuning its strings. Thanatos went over to the synthesizer and looked over his part.

"Well, it's all g as long as I don't have those arthritic geezer fingers anymore (damn adolescent vocabulary)," Thanatos commented.

"'Kay, ready? I'm gonna start recording when you give me the signal, kupo," Artemecion said, taking off his media-class-extra-extra-large headphones and setting his CD player on the side. Neclord made a Rinoa-patented gesture as the signal to Artemecion. He started recording.

__

Just one bite

I'd like to taste of you

There's so much that I would do

To make you undead

I would destroy a world for you

Just to see you smile

And if I could have just a taste

We'd be together for a while

"Wait! That last line was too long! Undead is too morbid of a word! We need something romantic! Like, uhh living forever! Yeah, that's a lot better than undead!" Artemecion advised.

"Oh, crap that's not good. We used undead, like, twenty times in this song! I would almost have to re-write it!" Neclord said.

"Well if it comes to rewriting, then never mind. But just try to keep that word down to a minimum, okay? And let's hurry up. We're renting this studio out to Da North Crater Boys in three hours,"

"Regis Philbin letter. Explains you are here. Me read wants he to you," Jiro said.

"Regis Philbin sent us a letter. He will explain our reason for being here. He wants me to read it to you," Cid VIII translated.

"Regis Philbin he was a gameshow host. He must want us to be in some kind of game!" exclaimed Cid V.

"So I had to fight my fellow Cid for a _gameshow_? Uh call me absent-minded, but what _is_ a gameshow?" asked Cid IX.

"It's a television show in which you compete to win something. In our case, a million gil/bits/dollars. So I'm guessing that it's the same idea," said Cid VIII.

What's a television?" asked Golbez.

"It's a box that displays pictures and you can watch things on it. Like Blitzball," explained Lulu.

"What's Blitzball?" everyone else asked, except for Jiro, who asked, "Blitzball what am?" Everyone shot him a dirty look.

"Trust me, you _really_ don't want to know," said Lulu. But Tidus had already begun to explain the schematics of Blitzball.

"You see, there's this ball, and the object it to get it into the opposing team's goal but if they catch up with you, they can tackle you and if that happens you stand the chance of losing the ball and if you lose the ball that is not a good thing because then the other team can score on you and if that happens you have to work that much harder to score on them" but of course, by this time, nobody was listening to Tidus' run-on sentence. Yet he continued to explain, despite the lack of an audience.

"Lacking Engrish skill called so, the letter I set us up to Cid VIII," Jiro continued.

"Due to my lack of so-called English-speaking skill, I will give this letter to Cid VIII," Cid VIII translated.

Cid VIII began to read the letter, "It reads: _Perhaps you are wondering why I have kalled you here today. It is because you will face off with Prof. Gill and his DARK industry. If you sukceed, you will be released into your worlds. If not then I shall keep the Cids. The grand prize for the winning team is, obviously on a show kalled Who Wants to be a Gillionaire' One million gil!_

Love,

Evil Regis" 

"#$@^! So this Regis' @&#%!* wants us to kick this DARK' thing's ass? And we a million damn gil out of it? That bullcrap!" Cid VII complained.

"That sounds right to me," Cid V said, "But I don't see any motives that we might have to do this,"

"What are you talking about? This is for the life of another Cid! In fact, two! So Cid IV didn't die when he fought Cloud! That's worth risking all of ours!" Cid IX interrupted.

"He is correct, as much as I would like to argue, it is not good to sacrifice one's brethren," Lulu agreed.

"And what of _my_ brother, Cecil, as well? I believe that he has been deceived into darkness. We must assist him," said Golbez.

"All right then, it's decided! We'll seek out DARK and get back to our homeworlds!" confirmed Cid IX.

"Dammit, Zeroshin, I knew that I shouldn't have let you drive!" scolded Sydonia. They were in a green clunker of a Japanese-imitation VW bug. Zeroshin swerved from side to side on the road. "You got us lost, dammit! First, we were getting out of Kmart and _now_ look where we are! It looks like we're in some Japanese town!"

"Well, it's too late, isn't it?" asked Zeroshin. "And besides, I'm the only one that _can_ drive, next to you, and we kicked your privileges for the wheel cause you got caught on our last mission,"

"Why can't I drive?" asked Oboro.

"Because you're seventeen. You have to be eighteen or older to get a Japanese driver's license," explained Saijin.

"Seriously?" asked Sydonia.

"Yeah,"

"Where'd you hear that one?" asked Zeroshin. "I didn't even know that,"

"I just read it on that flier tacked to the post-board in front of that police station there,"

"That's a word that would be very discriminatory if I said it. I want out if I can't drive," complained Sydonia.

"Fine, we don't need you anyway, you damn neon ninja. How can you even call yourself a ninja with that neon orange getup, anyway? I could see you coming from a mile away" asked Oboro.

"I don't need you, either! Screw you guys! I'm officially out!" yelled Sydonia.

"Wait, we gotta make a vote to see if we want you out, and how we're gonna kick you out. All in favor of kicking Sydonia out, raise your hand!" announced Zeroshin. Everyone in the bug raised their hands, including Sydonia. "Now, everyone in favor of tossing him into the nearest river with cement shoes so he doesn't leak any information on us, raise your hand!" Again, everyone raised their hands, and Zeroshin took his hands off the wheel and his eyes off the road to see the consensus. Doing a good speed, he didn't realize that there was a cliff mere meters ahead, with no guardrail. It led directly into the crashing surf below. At the last second, he glanced at the road.

"CRAP! Bail, dammit! Bail out, right now! Except for you, Sydonia," ordered Saijin. Zeroshin didn't even bother to slam on the breaks. Of course, you wouldn't have in that predicament, either, so don't give me that crap that you would've. Everyone but Sydonia jumped out of the car.

"That was close" said Oboro with a sigh of relief. "At least we did what we were going to do"

"And we saved money on cement, too! Wow, think of all the savings that we made by accidentally driving off that cliff!" thought Zeroshin.

"You IDIOT! Now we're out a car! And we need four ninjas to complete our group! Where the hell are we gonna get another one, for both of those?" scolded Saijin, slapping Zeroshin across the side of his head with the back of his hand. A green clunker of a bug drove around the turn, stopping by the three ninjas.

"Hey! Ninjas! I might be related to you!" the driver stuck his head out. He looked like a middle aged Japanese man. "I'm the descendant of a great clan of ninjas, Hanpan XXIV, ninja master!"

"I think we just found our new member," said Zeroshin.

"And our new ride" added Oboro.

"Hey, you wanna be full-time professional ninjas like us?" invited Saijin, in his most appealing, innocent-as-a-cold-blooded-assassin-can-be voice.

"So we're here to defeat Jiro and his affiliates?' asked Cecil. "This Jiro he helped Golbez when I was about to kill him! There is no way that I will lose!"

"To rid the world of the strongest humans. Humans that have become heroes for their own benefit and recognition" Osted mumbled.

"Ant I vill become dhe stronkest general in dhe vorlt!" boasted Zakov.

"Very well, then. I am glad that I have your support. Lobster Red, I believe that the repairs on you are complete?" Prof. Gill asked. The mechanical lobster came out from a sliding door with a backdrop of purple lighting and dry ice-smoke.

"I'm going to deal some punishment on that kid and that girl who is more scantily dressed then Kuja!" it announced.

"Very good, Lobster Red! And now, I unveil my masterpiece to you! Eiko, you can come out now," The summoner walked out of the room that Lobster Red was just in. She had a flute.

"And what can this girl actually _do_?" asked Cecil.

"Well, poo on you, dum-dum head! I can drive Jiro mad with the sound of my flute!" she announced.

"Well, then, in that case, come with us!"

"She doesn't need to. Her flute can reach Jiro's ears no matter where he is! Ahahahaha!" Prof. Gill laughed. "Go forth! And vanquish those that have wronged you!"

"I vill effen make a pretty penny off uf it!" laughed Zakov.

Masaru was walking around near the residential district with his sister, Mitsuko. "What you want do today?" she asked her brother.

"Jiro! Jiro!" he yelled.

"Sorry ask. Ah, idea! Father, look!"

"Jiro! Jiro!"

"I not ask you! Mouth shut, Masaru," They were so infatuated in arguing with each other, they didn't even realize that Lobster Red was coming up from behind them. Suddenly, it grabbed Masaru.

"Hahaha! Your stupid Engrish-speaking brother won't get away this time!" it gloated.

"Jiro! Jiro!" called Masaru. Just as Lobster Red was getting away, the sound of a guitar stopped it in its tracks.

"Where is that sound coming from?" asked Lobster Red. He looked around frantically, letting Masaru go. He saw Jiro standing on the top of an apartment building. He threw his oversized red guitar aside and pointed a finger at Lobster Red.

"Not Masaru hurt! I hurt will to you!" he yelled. He jumped down from the top of the building. "Lobster Red! I defeat you will!"

"Hahaha! You'll never win, you freak of Japanese Engrish!" Lobster Red taunted.

"Change!" Jiro shouted. He held up three fingers. "Switch on! One- two- three!" and with a little 1970's BS-animation, Jiro changed into Kikaida. He and Lobster Red exchanged a few blows. In the meantime while he was preoccupied, Cecil, Zakov, and Osted kidnapped Masaru and Mitsuko. They took them to The Desolate Plain in Which no People Would be Harmed if They Fought There.

"Giant Swing!" yelled Kikaida, throwing Lobster Red over his shoulder. There were three camera-cuts repeating the same footage of Kikaida throwing the giant lobster over his shoulder. Lobster Red landed on his back. "Double Chop!" Kikaida said, using a twin judo-chop on the prostrate mechanism.

Moments before Kikaida finished off Lobster Red, Eiko began to play her flute. He covered his ears and tried to block out the sound of her crappy playing. It was so bad that it began to drive him mad and he could hardly control his own movements. He staggered around, trying to shake off the maddening effects of the evil flute. "Those born from DARK must return to DARK. Traitors must be destroyed. Return to DARK. Return to DARK!" she chanted, somehow speaking clearly while playing the flute. Lobster Red got away while Jiro was preoccupied with the sound of Eiko's flute.

"What the hell is that guy doing?" asked Cid VII, who happened to be passing by with the rest of Kikaida's recruits. Of course, they didn't know that Jiro was Kikaida.

"Flute hear me!" Kikaida yelled.

"I'm hearing a flute!" Cid VIII translated.

"How does he hear a flute?" asked Cid V.

"It must be Eiko. She plays so terribly that whoever hears it is driven mad. We always tell her to practice, but" Cid IX said.

"We have to block the sound somehow," exclaimed Golbez.

"I think that I might have an idea," said Lulu. "Tidus, tell us more about Blitzball,"

"Well, Blitzball is only _the_ very best game in all of Spira and Zanarkand, and I'm the star player of the Zanarkand Abes, and" Tidus began his run-on sentence again. The sound of Tidus' incessant rambling blocked out the sound of Eiko's flute, and Kikaida-Jiro could think clearly again. He changed back into Jiro with that same footage.

"You, thank," Jiro said.

"Thank you," Cid VIII translated.

" and this one time, we played this really big game against the Luca Goers but we beat them but it was kind of tough but we won the Crystal cup anyway then Wakka quit playing Blitzball, but before he quit he grabbed my" Tidus continued.

"You know what, let's just leave," suggested Cid V.

"Right now, that might just be the best idea you ever @&^$!^ ever came up with," complimented Cid VII. So they went ahead on their way, to fight Prof. Gill and destroy DARK.

"Masaru Mitsuko am there?" asked Jiro.

"Where's Masaru and Mitsuko?" translated Cid VIII.

"If I remember correctly, I believe that a Paladin, a Knight, and a strange looking general carried a girl and what looked to be her brother off," said Lulu.

"Know am where," said Jiro.

"I think that I know where they are, they are at The Desolate Plain in Which no People Would be Harmed if They Fought There," translated Cid VIII.

"How the @#&% did you get that from know am where?'" asked Cid VII.

"I'm the superior authority on Japanese Engrish in the world. Of course I know that's what he said,"

"Oh, okay. That's good, then. Where is this The Desolate Plain in Which no People Would be Harmed if They Fought There at?" asked Golbez.

" And then when he came back to the game, you know, Blitzball, Wakka gave me a good luck tap on my well, never mind, but anyway, when I was going out in the first half and then I took out those damn Al Behd Psyches with my Wither Tackle 3 and that, if you didn't know, has 100% chance of withering your opponent's stats" continued Tidus.

"I thought that he would have finished by now," said Cid IX.

"I guess that you were wrong then," said Cid V.

"I didn't know that Wakka felt that way about him!" Lulu exclaimed. "No wonder he left me with Auron (Who Yuna sent at the very end, but he got revived when Yuna and her Tiny Bee guns brought him and Tidus back),"

"Fast! Save us Masaru Mitsuko!" interrupted Jiro.

"Hurry up! We have to save Masaru and Mitsuko!" Cid VIII translated.

"Hahaha! Kikaida will undoubtedly come this time. He has never been known not to save Masaru and Mitsuko. And when he comes, the three of you will destroy him while Eiko drives him mad with her flute!" explained Prof. Gill.

"Wait, Jiro isn't human? I saw him change when he fought Lobster Red," Cecil was the first to bring this up.

"Yes, dat ees very stranche," agreed Zakov.

"So you say that Jiro isn't even human, do you? All the more reason to kill him without remorse" said Osted.

"Actually, Jiro was a mechanical man built inside of DARK, but that bastard Dr. Komyoji gave a conscience circuit so he could make decisions, and he decided to stop us," Prof. Gill explained. "Now, all we have to do is wait"

"Regis, how did you ever come up with such a great show? Our ratings are going through the roof!" reported the Switcher.

"Ahahaha soon, the television world will be ours!" exclaimed Regis.

"What's wrong, boss? You've changed," said Biggs, a cameraman.

"Yeah, something _is_ different about you," said Wedge, the lighting technician.

"You dare to challenge _me_, the greatest television phenomenon of all time?" said Regis, swelling up to five times his normal size.

"Yeah, something _is_ different. _Very_ different. Definitely," said Musashi, the sound technician.

"GWEAAARGH!" roared Regis. He began to suck in everything around him in a fit of rage. Biggs and Wedge grabbed on to the nearest pieces of equipment and held on for dear life. Regis simply inhaled harder and their fingers tore off of the equipment, sending them spiraling into his five-times-larger-than-it-already-is mouth. "GWEAAARGH" Regis deflated, feeling fully satiated. "Hey, Switcher, we didn't katch any of that just now, did we?"

"Nah," said Switcher.

"Did you see anything, Musashi?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all," Musashi replied.

"Hey, the commercial break's almost over," warned Switcher.

"Run that advertisement for that place that Bahamut likes again," instructed Regis.

"The Esper one?" asked Switcher.

"No, the Deep Sea Research Center one,"

__

Tired of Hentai sites with those human girls getting it bad? Bored of those tiring tentacles? Bondage has you beat? If that's the case, then make the right decision and come to animehentaidragonporn.com and get all your monster Hentai needs! From Abyss Worms to X-ATM092, we have them all! Barely legal, Chocobondage, and everything else that you're looking for! Even the King of the GFs agrees that this is the best site for your monster hentai needs! All for the low, low price of 990 gil a month!

"Man, _never_ listen to that commercial again, alright?" ordered Saijin, signaling for Zeroshin to switch the radio station. An advertisement for animehentaidragonporn.com had just played.

" That was Rhythm of the Falling Meteor-Remix' by Da North Crater Boys and you're listening to KRIT, 999.9FM!" the new radio station announcer said. "And now, we have a _real_ classic by `Ekupo, Tifa (Remix, with Lich)!"

"On second thought, we should just tear out the radio," Zeroshin added, switching the radio off.

"Don't do that to my car! Hey, what's that?" asked Hanpan, as they drove past The Desolate Plain in Which no People Would be Harmed if They Fought There at. He spotted Mitsuko and Masaru tied to a pole. "It looks like a girl and her brother tied to a pole!"

"Well then, we have to help them, don't we?" asked Zeroshin.

"Sounds good to me" said Oboro.

"Then pull this jalopy over and let's help them!" ordered Saijin. Hanpan pulled the bug over and the four got out. They ran over to The Desolate Plain in Which no People Would be Harmed if They Fought There. The two were tied up with rope. "Okay, let's cut the rope!"

"No. We might accidentally cut them too," said Zeroshin.

"So what are we going to do?" asked Oboro.

"Simple. I know exactly what to do," said Hanpan.

"Then show us what you've got, Hanpen"

"That's not my name! I am Hanpen XXIV, not Fish Cake! Now, as I was Ninja Rope Escape Magic!" The scene was edited and the rope came loose. Mitsuko and Masaru ran to the old jalopy and jumped in. Everyone else followed.

"Can we keep " asked Oboro in a childish voice.

"No! This is a tight fit in the car as it is, and we can't afford to keep anything else in here! One of them has to go," Saijin said.

"Aww do they have to?"

"Jiro! Jiro!" called Masaru.

"Jiro, eh? Well, I'll see what we can do about that," assured Hanpan. He drove off to the residential district.

"OW! Get your damn leg outta there, ya dumb $#!&!" shouted Cid VII.

"Uh, sorry. I didn't notice where my foot was" apologized Golbez. He moved his foot from (Engrishly speaking) the other place.

"Get your hands out of there, you dirty old man!" scolded Lulu.

"Sorry," Cid IX apologized. "This sidecar doesn't really fit all of us,"

"Then I should throw you out, you dirty old man,"

"I uh I didn't mean it like that!"

" And then in this one game, Brother made a great shot from the middle of the sphere! It was amazing! He kicked it really hard (it was a Nap Shot 3) and even though it missed, it made the goalie go to sleep and then we had an easy game because" Tidus rambled.

"Why don't _you_ try going to sleep for a while?" said Golbez.

"See! Am The Desolate Plain in Which no People Would be Harmed if They Fought There! Go, myself says!" Jiro ordered.

"Look! It is The Desolate Plain in Which no People Would be Harmed if They Fought There! I say, let's go!" translated Cid VIII. Everyone piled out of the sidecar and followed Jiro into the obvious trap. The four were waiting for them there.

"Hahaha! You have fallen right into my trap, Jiro," cackled Prof. Gill.

"Ant mit your defeat, I vill be promotet!" boasted Zakov. "I vill be dhe kreatest general in dhe vorlt!"

"Golbez! I will destroy you!" claimed Cecil.

" Foolish humans" grumbled Osted.

"Here's payback for what you did to me earlier, Jiro!" yelled Lobster Red.

"No lose!" claimed Jiro.

"I won't lose!" translated Cid VIII.

"You done! You beat I!"

"You're finished! I defeated you!"

"Yes, in fact, I _did_ beat you, Jiro! Lobster Red, show him what you can do!" Prof. Gill ordered. The rest of his posse ran away, leaving Lobster Red to take care of them.

"I have a whole new bag of tricks this time! You see that post over there with Masaru and Mitsuko tied to it? One false move and they're toast! All that I have to do is push this button," Lobster Red explained, grasping a control pad with a large red button in his claw. "So if you stay there and let me kill you, I'll let them live,"

"That's some dirty @*&# there, man," sad Cid VII.

"'Scuse me," interrupted Cid IX.

"Butt out, frog-Cid,"

"But"

"He said shut up, okay?" said Cid V.

"Look! There's nobody tied to the post!"

"Impossible! No one came through here! Whoever released them must have been, like, Ninjas or something," Lobster Red, realizing what had happened, said. "Somebody made these ropes come loose with some Ninja Rope Escape Magic, it looks like to me,"

"Here's your chance, Jiro," Lulu said. Jiro crept up behind Lobster Red and did his finishing move.

"THE END!" he cried, striking Lobster Red. The camera cut to a scene of glass shattering in front of a red-on-white backlight. Lobster Red went flailing off of a cliff that had been conveniently placed behind him when Jiro did his finishing move. There was a crappy edit and some age-old pyrotechnics as Lobster Red exploded upon impact on the ground below.

"THE END!" Cid VIII translated.

"Now that he's taken care of, what do we do from here?" inquired Golbez.

"We am go to the DARK base," Jiro stated.

"We will go to the DARK base," Cid VIII translated. I don't know what lies there, but by the sound of it, it isn't good,"

"Well, that does it. Maybe a few edits and we'll be fine. We did pretty good on time, kupo," said Artemecion. He cut off the parts in which the band had made mistakes in with his Editstation® Ultra Mega Super Deluxe Edit XD software.

"Hey, and we just made our three hour deadline!" Neclord said.

"And we saved our contract with Toran Castle Records!" Jagan rejoiced. The members of Da North Crater Boys came into the recording studio. It consisted of Sepiroth, Seifer, Jecht, and Xu. Their manager was Stiltzkin.

"Stiltzkin, kupo!" called Artemecion. He waved to his Moogle-friend.

"Ho, brah," Stiltzkin acknowledged. "So what, laytah we go da kine, nort' shore, eh? Hooo, cuz, dey stay get da meanest surf ova dat side! Bu, I goin' see you dea, kupo,"

"Okay, kupo! But first, we gotta get this single to Toran Castle Records. Qlon can get pretty mean if you don't make a deadline,"

"Shoots, den, cuz. She go, bu, she go, kupo,"

"Yo, uh, Artemecion, how did all these Moogles become band managers?" asked Thanatos.

"Well, what a better career for a creature that has experience in swindling people out of their time? I've been doing insider trading with Protect Rings for my Superslick, and in fact, I have a business deal set for later today. So, Stiltzkin, I'll be seein' you, I guess," Artemecion said, vigorously rubbing some Superslick on his coat.

"Ho, laytahs den, cuz," he answered. Little did they know Chisato Madison in de shadows.

"Now we'll see how the record industry takes _this_ blow from the fist of truth!" he gloated. The members of `Ekupo was headed in his direction. "Aww, damn! Time to make like the Magical Wonder Chef!" she turned herself into a plant. 

"Hey, this wasn't here earlier," said Jagan.

"Check it out!" added Thanatos. Neclord went up to it and examined it. In a burst of smoke, it became Chisato again.

"Aha! You have found the Wonder Scandal Girl!" she announced. Sweatdrops came out in speech-bubbles from the members of `Ekupo. "Because you have found me, I will award you with this magical scandal-tape!" She handed Neclord the tape that she had just recorded of Artemecion's confession of insider trading. She disappeared in another puff of smoke. Realizing what she had just forfeited, she cursed at herself after reappearing as a piggy bank.

"Zakov, I have trust in you as a general. I will give you the opportunity to prove that to me. Bring me the heads of Jiro and his allies and you will be given the title of The General of all Generals!" Prof. Gill ordered.

"Trust me, Prof. Gill, I vill not fail," Zakov assured.

"I should hope that you will not. If you have any trouble, Eiko will assist you. I need you to keep Jiro and his friends away for a little while longer; we are almost finished with transferring Dr. Komyoji's brain into the ultimate DARK Destructoid!"

"Jiro vill neffer rop me uff dhis honorable title!" With that, Zakov left the DARK base. "Unt just een case" he extracted a small device with a red button on it. " Dhe power uff my ATAC will assist me,"

"We've been driving around for a long time now," said Zeroshin.

"And this kid keeps yelling , Jiro! Jiro!' It's getting really annoying" said Oboro.

"Jiro! Jiro!" replied Masaru.

"So, uh, where should we go, then?" asked Saijin.

"Hmm why don't we ask them?" suggested Hanpan.

"Just don't ask this kid" grumbled Oboro.

"So, uh, kid, where are you headed?" asked Zeroshin.

"You bastard"

"Jiro! Jiro!" Masaru yelped.

"Well, makes sense. He wants to go to this Jiro' person," deducted Saijin. "And what about you?" he asked, turning to Mitsuko.

"We am going Jiro. You sighting, he know where father am. Father is Dr. Komyoji, know. DARK get to him bad thing happen," she answered.

"Well, that's just damn great. A kid whose vocabulary is limited to one word and a broad that speaks Japanese Engrish. What the hell are we gonna do now?" Oboro said.

"First, we're going to take these two somewhere safe. They can stay in my apartment until this cools down. DARK is bad news," Hanpan said.

"That's a great idea, Hanpen," congratulated Zeroshin.

"My name isn't fish cake!"

"Jiro! Jiro!"

"Well, now that we're by ourselves" whispered Cid IX. "I think that you can"

"Just wait a little while," Lulu replied. "If that suits you, of course,"

"Why can't it be now?!"

"Just a little patience, dirty old man," She twiddled with the fur-lined part of her dress-cloak. 

"Ah! So like know you to, yes?" Jiro confirmed.

"Ah! So you would like to know, yes?" Cid VIII translated.

"Sees, am like this. I am sa-i-boo-gu,'

"You see, it is like this. I am an Android,"

"No! No! No! I am sa-i-boo-gu!"

"Uh he's a"

"I thought that you said that you were _the_ expert on Japanese Engrish in this world," Cid V said.

"Yeah, @#*&@#$)%(!^! What the hell did you say about that?" asked Cid VII.

"The leading expert on Japanese Engrish. I said nothing about Katakana-words," said Cid VIII.

"Wait, I might be able to translate," Golbez suggested.

"Sa-i-boo-gu," said Jiro.

"Saiboogu Cyborg! That's what Jiro's saying!" exclaimed Golbez.

"So what the @(#*& is a Cyborg?" asked Cid VII.

"Back in the day, that's what an Android' was called. But of course, you wouldn't know that,"

" And if you want, I can show you my Amazing Jecht Shot Mark IIII, but that's just for beginners, if you know what I mean, if you want a REAL technique, you'll want to check out the Wonderful Super Jecht Shot Mark II" rambled Jiro.

"Dids Tidus just says IIII insteads IV?" asked Jiro.

"Did Tidus just say IIII instead of IV?" translated Cid VIII.

"Oh, don't worry about him, he does this all the time. You should see when he and Wakka get together on second thought, with the things that they probably do maybe not," Lulu explained.

"Well, it doesn't matter now. Let's keep going. We're almost there!" said Cid V.

"What gives you that impression?" asked Cid VIII.

"I had a good feeling,"

"We almost there am!" exclaimed Jiro. "Keep go we must!"

"We are almost there! We must keep—" Cid VIII was cut off.

"I am afrait dat I cannot callow you to do dhat," the voice of Zakov said. He jumped out of a tree and twisted his ankle. "OWWww! Ooh, dat's konna hurt like a bitch! Well, no matter. I vill get all de meticare dhat I neet, if I can defeat you for Prof. K Kg Gill," Drawing a sword, he readied himself for battle. "En karte!"

"This can't be good," said Lulu. "So what are we going to do?"

"We are going to split into a party of three @#(*&%$ and take him on," Cid VII said. "I'll take one with that @#(*^& in black if he's gonna go," He gestured towards Golbez.

"My name's Golbez, boy," Golbez hissed. "Let's do it. we still need one more person. If you're up for it, step forward," Nobody stepped forward. Opportunistically, Golbez got an idea. "Tidus, I'll get you a new Blitzball if you fight" he said, sing-song-edly, not unlike how one would to a child.

" Oooh Blitzball I'm gonna fight too, Golbez, don't count me out but in the meantime then this one time, we won another Yevon Cup" Tidus agreed, drawing the Caladbolg.

"Eef you can't hurry up, dhen I vill haff to call it in my fafor because uff Delay uff Kame!" Zakov warned.

"Alright, wait a second, ^&@#$%&*!@$," Cid VII said. He got out his weapon and said, "'Kay, ready, bitches?"

"I'm good here," said Golbez.

"And then we got a Three Stars for winning one of the Yevon Cup finals, but we lost one on purpose just so we could have the best techniques" Tidus finished. Zakov pulled out the control pad and pushed th big red button. A gigantic blue-and-white robot descended from the sky.

"The Giant of Bab-Il! What have I done?" cried Golbez.

"It's Weapon! $#!&! Run and hide!" Cid VII yelled, trying to escape.

"Ahahaha, so you fear my ATAC, yes? Vell, you haff all dhe right to do so. I am dhe most _powerful_ beink in dhe vorlt!" Zakov ranted.

"You said it WHY DID YOU SAY IT?!" yelled Tidus, breaking his run-on explanation. Grahf descended from the sky.

"Who be callin' me, (*@#^&(@%^$? I be Grahf, Deala of Powa', foo's. So, what you mo-fos need?" he advertised. He brought out some of his goods from his cloak. "I got you these Mantango Shrooms, One-Winged Angel Dust, and even some -Drive-, so hurry up, @(&#^*@&^$%. I got my hos callin' me, biz-atches," He reached into his robe and pulled out a fold-out table, as well, and laid out his goods on that.

"Wow! You haff some kood stuff! I vill take some uff your Mantanko Shrooms. Dhis ATAC is power't by Spirit Energy, none uff dhis Terrorist-Supportink kasoline,"

"Dat's cool, dog. Now, any of you otha biz-atches want any of dis shiz-nit?"

"No way, Grahf. Drugs are bad!" Cid VIII protested.

"Yeah, they won't help you, man," Cid V added.

"Pussies!" Zakov took a Mantango and got into the cockpit of his ATAC, the Einlager. He immediately realized the effects. "Woooah! Holy $#!&!" he exclaimed. "Thanks, Grahf. You're the $#!&!"

"Da's all, @(#*%&)@^$%^? All right, den. I'm out, biz-atches," Grahf said. He rose up into the sky and disappeared.

"Now, feel dhe power uff dhe Mantankoes!" Zakov ranted. He walked forward in his ATAC and tried to crush the three. They moved out of the way, trying to dodge his assault. He simply drew a huge, gold sword and slashed low, toward the ground, at them. The jumped, but he stepped toward them at the same time. There would be no possible way that they could have escaped. Unless, of course, Lulu hadn't intervened.

"You shouldn't ever use Machina. You would run the risk of calling Sin into this world. He would lay waste to the innocent residents, and seeing all the Machina here already, you would doom the world to destruction," she explained. Zakov paused in mid-stomp.

"Vhat are you talkink about, you foolish vench?" Zakov asked.

"In my world, Machina are the sources of all the suffering; they called Sin, a giant monster that causes death and destruction where it goes,"

"And vhat might dat matter to me?"

"(Now's your chance!)" Lulu prompted. The three went into action, hacking away at the Einlager. Lulu continued to keep Zakov preoccupied with her explanation of Sin and its origins. Of course, until Zakov glanced at his status meters inside of his ATAC.

"Vhat ees dhe problem? Dis vas not happenink a moment ako curse you, vench, I vill crush you as vell!"

"If you weren't such a fool, then you never would have listened," Lulu taunted. She cast Thundaga on the ATAC, damaging it further. Its mobility systems shut down.

"Vell, it ees uff no matter. I vill not have to vorry about you much lonker. I vill show you dhe power uff dhe Junaris Empire!" Zakov flipped a few more switches and the ATAC changed into another form, resembling a suit of samurai armor with a face on its chest-plate. "Dhis ees dhe most effil ATAC in dhe vorlt, dhe Zulwarn. I vill smite you all mit dhe power uff Darkness! SUFFER!"

With that, he sealed them in darkness, and none of them could move at all. "That's dirty!" yelled Tidus.

"Unfortunately, dis spell kan neffer seem to vork on dhe tarkets' mouths. You are more annoyink den Bastion. I vill kill you first, in dhat case! Now, vhat shall I use? Hmm I tink dhat dhe best spell to use on you woult be Heafen's Kate!"

"Heafen's _what_?" asked Cid VII. "What the hell you talkin' about?"

"I haff an accent! So vhat ees your proplem mit dhat? You haff a krudche akainst my Eurotrash people? _YOU_ vill die first, dhen," He drew a six-point star in the air with dark energy and whirled the Zulwarn's hand around it. He pointed it at Cid VII. But as it struck him, light deflected the darkness and sent it spiraling away from him.

"You can't seal me in Darkness!" he retorted, breaking the seal on his movement.

"Dhat vas a koot try, _prince charmink_, but you vill die here, rekardless uff vhat you might say!"

"Hai-yaaaa!" Cid VII yelled, using Big Brawl on the Zulwarn. His continuous strikes began to break through Zakov's futile, desperate attempts to deflect them.

"Vhat?! Imposshiple! His power ees breakink through! I vas koink to be dhe best cheneral in de vorlt" With a final strike, Cid sent the lumbering ATAC to the ground. "Everythink everythink I am everythink ees over"

Cid sighed, "(Sigh) Zakov"

As the Zulwarn was destroyed, Zakov whined, "I vill soon be forkotten and you vill foreffer be in dhe history books"

"You're wrong, Zakov. You and your heinous acts will not be forgotten. We can never forget them, lest we repeat those foolish decisions again," Cid VII said over the wrecked ATAC. The seals on everyone were broken and they could move again.

"Move over and again! Myself happy are am. Make fast or no make we do," Jiro instructed.

"We can move again! I am happy. We must make haste or it will not do," Cid VIII translated.

"With any luck, the other Cids are at the DARK base," Cid V said.

"And my brother as well," added Golbez.

"A way back to my Zanarkand," said Tidus.

"And Auron," said Lulu.

"Auron you say, Lulu?" asked Cid VIII.

"Yes, I said Auron,"

"I think that if we can get back to our world, Auron is with us. You see, I fought him at Jet Li's arena. I almost killed him, and our infirmary's doctor finished him off. But because he only took a single hit point of damage, we were able to resuscitate him. So if you wouldn't mind coming with me after this is all over,"

"I would be obliged, Cid,"

"Alright then! Let's move out!" Cid IX ordered.

"Well, folks, it looks like Jiro's team is in the lead! And remember, the prize for these kontestants is one million gil! We'll be right back, after this kommercial break," Regis told the people of America, who were absorbed in this amazing episode. Except for one student at a boarding school in the middle of the Pacific Ocean

"Sir, our ratings say that 99.999999% of the people in the nation are tuned into this channel," Switcher reported to Regis.

"Then who is this one person that isn't watching?"

"It seems to be a student at a boarding school in the middle of the Pacific Ocean,"

"WHAT?" Regis began to swell up again. "BRING HIM TO ME! GWEAAARGH!"

"That might be a little difficult, sir,"

"GWEAAARGH!" he began to suck in air, and everything on the set started spiraling back into his mouth.

"Wait! Why don't you use your powers that you used to make this episode to bring him here?" Regis suddenly deflated, not unlike a popped balloon.

"You know, I never thought of that," The room darkened and Regis' eyes glowed red. The lights blew out and he started to chant some strange words.

"Now isn't the time to do that, sir!" Musashi intervened. "The show is almost back on!" The room returned to being lighted.

" Do we have time for another kommercial?"

"Not this time, boss. So, uh, get your Gameshow host face back on, we're back in five four three two one" 

"So, Zakov has failed. Cecil! Come forth!" Prof. Gill ordered. The Paladin stepped out of the purple-lighted dry ice-smoke filled room.

"I will finally purge the world of the evil called Golbez" Cecil said. "I assure you, Prof. Gill, I will not fail!"

"Wait for them at the core of this base. When they get there, activate the self-destruct by pressing this button," Prof. Gill handed Cecil a control pad with a big red button on it. "Then get out of there. We only need you to buy us a little more time. Now that our perfect creation is almost completed, all attempts to destroy DARK will be futile!"

"I understand. There is no way that I will fail against those heathens,"

In a DARK lab not too far from their location

"The brainwashing procedure is complete. We are ready to extract Komyoji's brain," said a scientist.

"Perfect. DARK will be undefeatable, even by Kikaida, after the completion of Hakaida. Proceed," said Dr. Hojo. He started to laugh silently to himself, his body convulsing.

"Is everything alright, sir?"

"You aren't supposed to ask about that! Now, get back to work,"

"Sees! Am DARK base here. Must quiet quite," Jiro advised.

"Look! The DARK base is here. We must be very quiet," Cid VIII translated.

"Alright, let's get going. Be ready for anything," Cid IX said. Jiro pressed his palm against a cliff hidden by a mass of trees. Nothing happened.

"What happen! It look that DARK change door," he asked.

"What happened? It seems that DARK has changed their door" Cid VIII translated.

"Not matter. Break!"

"It doesn't matter. We'll break it!" Jiro hacked at the door to little avail. After a long while, the door still showed no signs of opening. Jiro looked at the door again, studying it.

""

"" Jiro placed his palm on the other side of the hidden door. It slid open.

"Look as I press bad side,"

"It looks like I pressed the wrong side,"

"You mean we wasted all that time for _nothing_? Ya' dumb $#!^," Cid VII scolded. They followed Jiro into the cave. Inside, the walls were comprised of a metallic substance. The whole base seemed to have a purple ambiance to it. Three robots in bad costumes rushed Jiro, but he took them out with Austin Powers' patented Judo Chops. They fell to the ground, and after another bad edit, exploded into wasted gears and clumps of metal.

After walking through a series of doors and passageways, they found their way to the center of the DARK base. A large, steaming power core was there, along with Cecil, who was holding the control pad.

"Heathens! I will defeat you, for you consort with Golbez," he said. "I merely have to push this button and you will all be destroyed along with this base,"

"Cecil! You have been deceived!" Golbez tried to explain. "Prof. Gill means the destruction of the world, not the cleansing of it. Look at what is around you, and the monstrosities that he has created. You need only dwell upon the name of this damnable industry!"

"And why should I believe you?"

"How are you going to escape if we will be destroyed? Can we not escape as well?"

"It is made to explode when I push this button. I can escape now!"

"Are you a such a coward?"

"Wh what? Who are you to say that?"

"Cecil. I am your brother!" With that, Golbez struck the controller from Cecil's hand. It was cut in two and rendered inoperable. But before he was able to retreat, Cecil drove the Ragnarok through him. After realizing what he had done, he withdrew the blade with a look of horror on his face. Golbez sank slowly to the ground.

"Brother brother, what have I done?" Cecil cried.

Breathing heavily, Golbez managed to whisper, "My brother Cecil remove my helmet"

"But you'll die!" Cecil blinked back the tears welling up in his eyes.

"I want you to see my face before that time comes Cecil" Cecil removed Golbez's helmet. With that, Golbez drew his last breath.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Cecil cried out. He drove the Ragnarok into the ground. "I swear by this sword that I will never kill another being until the time that this blade allows me to pull it from its resting place!" He turned to Jiro's party. "I am sorry. I was foolish to believe Prof. Gill. For Golbez's sake kill him!" And with that, Cecil slowly stepped away.

"That disqualifies him, sir," said Switcher.

"That wasn't supposed to happen!" Regis ranted.

"Why not, boss?" asked Musashi.

"Because" an embarrassed Anime eye-shadow crept under Regis' eyes. "Because I don't have that kind of money to hand out to Jiro's team if it stays this big," the shadow disappeared. "Grrrr that makes me SO MAD!" Regis swelled up to that size again. "GWEAARGH!" he roared.

"Hey, we'll fund-raise the money for you! Don't lose your cool, boss!" Switcher tried to console Regis before he destroyed the studio any more. Regis started to deflate.

"How are you going to do that?"

"We'll just run a few commercials saying that we need a few donations for little starving kids in Africa," said Musashi.

"Hey, that's a great idea, Musashi. But you never know where the Wonder Scandal Girl could pop up, you know? Let's be kinda hush-hush about this for now," said Switcher. A little piggy bank hidden under the cluttered studio equipment recorded the conversation intently

"THAT FOOL! You had better not disappoint me like Cecil did, Osted," Prof. Gill said.

"Not a problem. You of all people should know that I hate mankind. I would eliminate them without a second thought about it. And my -Drive- should keep me going" Osted explained.

"You shouldn't be taking that stuff. It'll mess up your future. You'll never know what you could've been,"

"Remember, you are only human as well" Grabbing his sword and his -Drive-, Osted left to defeat Jiro's party.

"Sometimes, I wonder about why I recruited that boy he could be dangerous to my health,"

"Our number has been decreased," Cid V pointed out.

"No $#^&, man. Ain't a damn thing we can do about it, either," Cid VII said.

"No we can wait now. DARK fast am go," Jiro alerted them, with a tone of urgency in his voice.

"We cannot wait here right now. DARK goes quickly to places like this," Cid VIII translated.

"Let us make haste," Lulu prompted Tidus.

"Uh oh, I get it!" Tidus exclaimed. He closed his eyes and concentrated on controlling the power of time itself. "HASTEGA!" With that, golden clock-hands surrounded the party and they sped up. They made their way out of the DARK base with great haste.

"Sowhatdowedofromhere?" asked Cid VIII.

"Ithinkthatthebestcourseofactionwouldbeformetocast Dispelonallofus," suggested Lulu. She quickly cast Dispel on everyone and they went back to their normal speeds.

"There a bomb am!" reported Jiro.

"There is a bomb!" translated Cid VIII. They ran away from the mountainside as it exploded. The ruins of the mountain had buried the DARK base and all of the evidence of its existence.

"That must've been quite a strong explosion" Cid IX panted, out of breath.

"Damn, Cid! You gotta be kiddin' me if you're tired after that! We got a long way to go yet. We gotta find Prof. Gill, for what's-his-name's sake," said Cid VII.

"You have a strong sense of honor, Cid. But you could use a little work on your short-term memory. Our comrade's name was Golbez," said Lulu. "Well, for once, even with your dirty mouth, I agree with you, Cid. Let's go and defeat Prof. Gill!"

"Cue the Suikoden theme!" ordered Tidus.

"Victory!" exclaimed Jiro.

"Victory!" translated Cid VIII. The music suddenly stopped, leaving everyone in an incomplete state of mind. Demon King Odio's theme began to fade in out of the silence.

"What was that?" asked Cid V.

"You foolish humans, it is I" a voice echoed.

"It was no, it couldn't be!" gasped Lulu.

"The generic Squaresoft character who hates humanity because Hironobu Sakaguchi never brought him overseas! It's"

"Osted, rather, Demon King Odio!" the voice growled. Osted warped himself before them and drew his sword. "You are all foolish damnable! I, Demon King Odio will kill you all! And with this -Drive-, I will become the most powerful being"

"I heard about that -Drive- stuff. They sold it on the black market in Zanarkand. And Grahf, the Dealer of well, you know, was going to give some to that crazy Eurotrash bastard!" Tidus said. "It's bad for you. It changes your personality! Don't do it, no matter how much you hate us. It'll mess you up, Osted,"

"I don't care! DIE!" he cried. He popped some -Drive- into his mouth. And then, an amazing transformation took place. A bright light filled the air and Osted, the Demon King, transformed completely. His body was lifted into the air and his hair stood on its ends. Unseen hands gelled his hair until it gained the desired level of spikiness and his sword became long and blunt-looking. His middle-ages armor became a velvety purple sleeveless turtleneck shirt and his eyes turned blue. His greaves became matching pants, and his metal boots turned to relaxed-fitting suede boots. As he fell to the ground, the light dissipated. Cid VII ran over to him.

"Cloud! It's you you killed Cid, didn't you?" he asked. Osted-turned-Cloud looked up at him. He drew the Venus Gospel and prepared to run Cloud through.

"Wait, Cid! Remember Regis' letter? It said that he had both Cid IV and VI. So the only one that would have died in that fight was Cloud. Don't kill him, he didn't do anything," Cid VIII protested.

"I I'm sorry, Cloud. I didn't mean to try to kill you," Cid VII tried to explain.

"It's all right, Cid. What what the hell happened, anyway?" Cloud asked, bringing himself to his feet.

"Well, after that fight imposed on us by that Chinese @&#(%!#&#@*^, and after you lost, I realized that me and the other Cids, we're all the same. So I couldn't just let one of us die, that wouldn't be right. Anyway, I went back to Cosmo Canyon to tell Tifa about what happened, but then I thought, 'What about Yuffie?,' so I went over to Wutai. But that @#*(&^ was out so I stayed over at the inn there. But when I woke up, I was here, with all the other Cids,"

"Huh. Well, that's a lot more than I could say. I'm glad to be back, anyway,"

"Isn't this just because he's on -Drive-?" asked Lulu.

"Actually, Lulu, I don't think that it would be," Cid V began. "I made a study on all kinds of illicit video game drugs with my leftover gil. It turns out that in some people, irreversible side-effects occur in some people. And because it not only increases your power but your spirit energy as well, that gives wandering souls a chance to change you completely. And that is apparently what happened to Osted here,"

"So this 'Cloud' person. He is with us, is he?" asked Lulu.

"Looks like it, Lulu. So, uh Cloud, what kind of hair gel do you use? I think if I can get my hands on some of that, I would have a lot more appeal to younger girls, don't you think?" asked Cid IX.

"Uh I really don't know what to say to that. But I think that you would qualify for a 'Dirty Old Man' in my book," said Cloud. Brining out a small notebook, he wrote 'Dirty Old Man' and drew a picture of a stick-figure Cid IX next to it. "What's your name?"

"Cid Lindblum is my name. And oh, wouldn't Hilda Garde just love it if I could make my hair like yours"

"Whatever, you dirty old man. And here's a free sample bottle. Don't think you'll find it in your would, though," Cloud tossed a bottle of Spiky Tiger® brand Supersolid hair-gel to Cid IX. He caught it.

"I gets idea where Prof. Gill be just maybe," Jiro intervened.

"I have an idea of Prof. Gill's whereabouts," Cid VIII translated.

"Shoot away, Jiro," said Tidus. "But first hit up the Suikoden theme!"

So in the foreground of the Suikoden main theme, Jiro began, "Escapes to Shinto Shrine base he am. Only way for him to go there from one. So have good chance to gets him there," Jiro said. "Hayaku, though. Dr. Komyoji is dangerous,"

"So we have to deal with _two_ crazy @*^%(%^@(#$ now?" interrupted Cid VII.

"No, you didn't let me translate! Okay he escaped to his Shinto Shrine base. There's only one way in and only one way out. So we have a good chance to get him there. We must make haste, though. Dr. Komyoji is in danger,"

"Oh. Okay, I got it! Let's get going!"

Mitsuko and Masaru were chasing after Zeroshin and his ninja-party's bug. "Hey Saijin, Oboro, do those two look familiar to you?" he asked.

"They kinda do" Oboro answered.

"Yeah, but they're a little hard to discriminate in the rearview mirror," said Saijin.

"It's it _is_ them! I'm pulling over. Wait a minute, they look like they have something important tosay," said Hanpan. He pulled over and gave them a chance to catch up. When they did, they tapped on his window and he rolled it down with the manual window-roller.

"Hanpan!" Mitsuko cried.

"How in the world do you know my name, miss?" he asked.

"Jiro! Jiro!" called Masaru.

"Yes matters no? Takes DARK base to us Hanpan! We help father now must! Too late might it so we need"

"Allright, then! Just jump in. Hurry up, if it's so urgent, we had better not waste any time," They climbed into the backseat, pushing Saijin and Zeroshin to the side.

"Move over, Saijin!" Zeroshin complained.

"Me move over? You move over!" Saijin protested.

"But our guests are on my side!"

"And you're going into _my_ side! Stay on your side, dammit!"

"Jiro! Jiro!" intervened Masaru.

"You stay out of this," grumbled Zeroshin.

"Sir, our show's bracket is almost up for tonight," reported Switcher.

"We'll finish this quickly. Don't worry about it, I have everything under kontrol. And if not I rule television on Thursday nights anyway! Our channel would never throw away these ratings! I HAVE THE POWER OF A GOD!" Regis gloated.

"Well, Fei Fong Wong has the power to destroy a god, you know, sir," commented Musashi.

"If something like that happens, we have our trump kard"

"Weren't we going to trade him for something?" asked Switcher.

"Who needs the power of an army when you have the POWER OF A GOD?"

"I should just tell the dwarves that you are going to cancel your deal then?" asked Musashi.

"Go right head, Musashi. But uh be diplomatik about it, okay?"

" Got it, boss,"

"Sir, we're about to end our commercial break. Get back to your spot and dust that stuff off of your jacket," Switcher advised. Pointing at his cheap suit, he said, "Uh sir, you have something on your suit. It looks like a piece of Biggs,"

"Hmm uh, thanks," Regis dusted himself off. "And welcome back to our special, 'Who Wants to be a Gillionaire!'"

"Bring him to me" rasped Prof. Gill. "Bring Hakaida here,"

"Certainly, Prof. Gill," responded one of his rubber-suited robot workers. It left and led a black-and-yellow version of Kikaida into the room. A glass dome covered Dr. Komyoji's brain, and a gun was strapped to his side.

"Now, my robotic minions, witness the greatest DARK Destructoid ever created! Hakaida, demonstrate your power to them,"

"Of course, Prof. Gill," Hakaida replied. He whipped the gun out of its holster and aimed at the robot workers with his firing-arm over his other arm, sort of like a backwards version of an obscene gesture, with one's arms. Showers of sparks flew everywhere as he opened fire upon Prof. Gill's own creations.

"Excellent," Prof. Gill laughed evilly, not unlike the evil shoguns from old black-and-white samurai movies. "Now do as no one else could: your task is to destroy Jiro and his allies!" Hakaida left in a cloud of smoke, like a ninja from one of those old back-and-white samurai movies. "And as for you," he turned to Eiko.

"Yes, Professor?" she asked.

"I need you to play that flute when I give you the signal. You could mean victory or defeat in this battle,"

"You can count on me!"

They had finally arrived at DARK's Shinto Shrine base. Jiro held his hand out in front of himself before a lamp-statue. "Hail, DARK!" he said, causing the statue to slip aside. Jiro stopped suddenly. He glanced around himself cautiously. Reaching up to the side of his biker-helmet, he recalibrated the settings on his sight and sound perception. Everyone else, noticing this, stopped as well. "Am something are here," he said warningly.

"There is something here," translated Cid VIII.

"First do to thing is to find Dr. Komyoji,"

"The first thing that we have to do is to find Dr. Komyoji,"

"So where the hell is he?" asked Cid VII.

"Why we have am look, yes,"

"That's why we have to look," They continued down the twisting corridors. Many jail cells lined the walls, but all of them were empty. Glass soundproof windows separated furiously working scientists from the rest of the facility. In one of the labs, there was an incapacitated Japanese man with a bandage around his head.

"Dr. Komyoji!"

"Dr. Komyoji!"

"You know some thing just not translate us,"

"You know, sometimes, you just don't have to translate things,"

"I'll agree," agreed Lulu. "Who _is_ Dr. Komyoji, anyway, Jiro?"

"Dr. Komyoji are the one who am creates me," Jiro explained. "See, in beginning, was I bad. But he gives me Conscience Circuit to control the other action, such as read knife to say, 'Keep out of children,' and am listen. Prof. Gill not am liking that so he wants to gets Dr. Komyoji to make many much powerful Destructoids. And look at as he is,"

"Dr. Komyoji was the one that created me. You see, in the beginning, I was bad. But he gave me a Conscience Circuit to control my actions, such as to read the knife that says, 'Keep out of reach of children,' and to listen. Prof. Gill didn't like that, so he wanted to get Dr. Komyoji to make many powerful Destructoids. And it looks like he has," Cid VIII translated.

"Well, that cleared things up," Cid V said. A burst of smoke filled the hall ahead of them. "Well, everything except for that," Hakaida stepped out of the smoke.

"How are you gentlemen! Prof. Gill has told me to destroy you!" Hakaida said.

"It's you!" Jiro cried. "Then, I have no choice. CHANGE!" He became Kikaida and assaulted Hakaida. But Hakaida easily deflected all of Jiro's attempts.

"You fool. None of your attacks can affect me. I created you, and I will destroy you! Gunslinger!" Hakaida used his gun attack on Jiro, felling him in a single shot. "Now, I will destroy the rest of you,"

"There's no way you're gonna win, you Japanese-made piece of $#!^!" taunted Cid VII.

"Let's mosey," said Cloud. Cid VII used Big Brawl on Hakaida, while Cloud used Omnislash. But even ones so strong as Cloud and Cid VII were stopped in mid-charge by another flurry of bullets.

"You're a simple Machina," said Lulu, preparing a Thundaga Fury.

"That foolish technique will not work on me!" Hakaida laughed, loading a Silence Bullet quickly and firing it before she could cast the chain of spells. Lulu would have cried out as she fell, had she not been silenced.

"Oglop!" chanted Cid IX, but this failed to give any visual responses on Hakaida's part. He fired another Silence Bullet at Cid IX.

"Now, it's my turn," Hakaida said darkly. He leapt into the air and yelled, "Orbit Crush!" He flew around the room, striking everything in his path. Upon his landing, he had felled both Tidus and Cid VIII, leaving only a helpless Cid V. Or so Hakaida thought.

"All my friends they're all hurt what can I possibly do but to" he whimpered.

"But to die," Hakaida finished for him. He reached for his gun slowly, savoring this moment.

" You hurt them! I will make you suffer the same fate! Foot"

"What could you possibly do to me?" He stopped reaching for his gun.

" Long Double Pronged Kitchen Knife of Death Broken Vacuum Cleaner Thing Used For A Sword Eyeglasses Repair Kit Roach Mutilating Screwdriver Crystal Shattering ATTACK!" Cid V pulled out a Foot Long Double Pronged Kitchen Knife of Death Broken Vacuum Cleaner Thing Used For A Sword Eyeglasses Repair Kit Roach Mutilating Screwdriver Crystal Shattering weapon and with a single swing, felled Hakaida.

Three ninjas, a middle-aged man, a girl, and her younger brother ran around the corner as soon as Hakaida was defeated. "That looks not good!" the girl said, surveying Jiro's party. She pulled out a big Costco-set of Phoenix Downs and used them on everyone. The party was rejuvenated. "And that am Hakaida, with father's brain!" She ran over to Hakaida and dragged him to a door. It slid open, and the three ninjas and the middle-aged man went to work. The room was cleared out, and Dr. Komyoji's body left behind, in under a minute. She and her younger brother went right to work on returning Dr. Komyoji's brain to his body.

"Hurry, us. Prof. Gill maybe am away," Jiro instructed.

"We must hurry! Prof. Gill may be trying to escape," Cid VIII translated. "But wait, we have to do our victory dance!" Everyone did their victory dance, and they proceeded into Prof. Gill's inner sanctum. He sat in a huge throne, with Eiko at his side.

"I am so glad that you were able to make it here, Jiro," he said. "And I congratulate you. But, there is one thing that I must say before you _die_. Eiko" But before she could start playing her flute, Cid IX grabbed her.

"And what have _you_ been doing away from home so long?" he scolded. "Young lady, you're going to be in a _lot_ of trouble when we get back to Terra," Eiko, unable to play her flute, was not able to drive Kikaida-Jiro mad. Turning to Prof. Gill, he said "And as for you, it's all over!"

Saijin, one of the three ninjas from earlier rushed in. "Hey, some robots in cheap plastic suits are coming this way!" Zeroshin followed.

"We're good at escapes. Come with us!" he suggested. Oboro fell stealthily from the ceiling.

"We planted a bomb. This chamber is going to explode!" he warned. Dr. Komyoji, Mitsuko, and Masaru were led into the room by Hanpan.

"They told us all about Jiro, and this boy seems infatuated with you!" he reported.

"Jiro! Jiro!" Masaru yelled.

"You will not need to only destroy me! I will kill you all!" He pressed a button on his throne. "Self destruct" He sunk hopelessly down into his chair.

"See? We have to get out of here!" said Zeroshin. "Just come closer," Everyone gathered around the ninjas.

"Self-destructing DARK Base Escape Magic!" Hanpan said. They disappeared in an edited puff of smoke. They appeared outside, just out of the blast radius. They watched the DARK base explode and crumble to the ground, the evil industry's leader finally vanquished.

"I am all thank of you," Jiro said, who had changed out of his Kikaida form.

"I thank all of you," Cid VIII translated.

"Now see you to going to Regis Philbin,"

"Now you will go to see Regis Phil—" Everyone was sucked into a gate of blackness. Jiro, Mitsuko, Masaru, Hanpan, and Dr. Komyoji were left after the gate closed.

"And now, let's meet our winners!" Regis Philbin announced. The remainder of Jiro's party and the three remaining ninjas appeared before him on the stage. It was once again the day that they had been taken out of their worlds. They were in a cold studio in New York, not mid-1970's Japan. The losers, if they hadn't converted or died, had been sent back to their respective worlds.

"I knew it was you!" yelled Cid V.

"Now, let's not make me angry. Here, you kan have your prizes: Cid IV, and one million gil apiece! Let's give our kontestants a round of applause!" Switcher hit a switch and much intimidating music played, and an applause track resounded through the overturned studio-room. He untied Cid IV and took off his electric-shock collar.

"What about Cid VI?" asked Cid VII.

"Hmm well, we couldn't akkommodate for him, so I traded him off for these powers. With some lady named Ultimecia,"

"I should've known! I saw that hard-C sound accent in your letter. I didn't guess why, though. But now I know!" Cid VIII said. "I should give you detention for associating with a member the Hierarchy of Evil!"

"Ah, but I _am_ a member of the Hierarkky of Evil!" Unbeknownst to everyone else, Oboro, Saijin, and Zeroshin had slipped out of the studio. "And now for your ultimate prize" Regis started to swell up.

"We never should have thought for a second that you were going to give us _any_ gil!" Tidus complained.

"Take this!" Lulu said, casting Firga on Regis. It had no effect, though.

"GWEAAARGH!" he roared. He suddenly deflated. "Wh what? What happened? What could possibly be wrong?" Ultimecia walked into the room.

"Boss! Our gil that we collected from those commercials is gone! What's wrong?" Musashi asked.

"This is what is wrong!" she said, showing that she could again charge black magic powers. "I have taken the liberty of taking your kurse bakk! You took bakk Cid VI, so I had every right to do it. The deal is kancelled!" The ninjas ran into the room and handed Cid VI to the party. "And now for you other people. Especially you, Cid," she said, turning to Cid VIII. "I believe that you deserve your gil," Their pockets became fat and confetti showered from above them. The gil had all come from Regis' collection from the commercials asking for money from starving children. "Now, be gone!"

As everyone was teleported into their worlds, Lulu came forth. "Wait. Auron is with Cid VIII. Can you send me to his world instead?" she asked.

"Of kourse, child. I am part of the Hierarkky of Evil, but I would never deprive you of who you kare about, like Squaresoft in Bahamut Lagoon. It's a little pakt that we, as Squaresoft karakters, have kreated to avoid another krappy, ruined storyline bekause of things like that," After everyone had been teleported out, Chisato, again in her normal form, ran into the studio. She was escorted by a large portion of the nation's SWAT team members, as well as the IRS and the CIA.

"Regis Philbin, you are under arrest for false advertising, associating with the Hierarchy of Evil, and using the money that you made while advertising little children on a commercial for your own purposes! You have the right to remain silent, and anything that you do or say can and will be used against you!" she announced, reading him his rights.

"Wh what? This is preposterous! I am not guilty! I have the power of a god! My power over the continent was supposed to be absolute! NO!" Regis cried as the SWAT team dragged him off.

"I wonder who the MVP is?" said Chisato, flashing her victory pose.

"Wow! You guys! You wouldn't believe how good our new CD with our hit single sells! Toran Castle records wants to extend our contract!" Artemecion reported. "And they want another hit single within the next 24 hours!"

"That's great, Arty!" said Neclord. He was absorbed in Evil Suikoden I too much to bother to pay attention to their manager Moogle, while Jagan and Thanatos were in a heated Ping-Pong match. "HA! Take that, McDohl! What, what, that's what I _thought_, bitch! You can't even touch this!"

"Okay, then. I guess I'll just see you guys in three hours to start recording!"

****

CREDITS

Written By: Bahamut Chris

****

Original Concept By: Bahamut Chris

****

Alternate Names Provided By: Reed Nakamura

****

Engrish Assistance From: Engrish.com

****

Moral Support From: Reed Nakamura

****

Special Thanks To:

Mederios-sama

Burnthree.com

Fritz Fraundorf

This work is one completely of fiction. Any resemblance that the characters might bear to anything of this world is completely coincidental.

****

This fanfic is dedicated to:

Those guys back at RTO

and

The Kaleiopapa Dormitory

****

Lyrics to "Just one Bite"

Original lyrics by `Ekolu

__

Just one bite

I'd like to have of you

All the things I would do

For you to live for-ever

I would

Destroy a world for you

Just to see your smile

And for just one taste

We'd be together a while

I guess you'll learn how much I really love you so

Cause with just a single bite you'd for-ever know

We'll always be together each and every night

Instead of always having you on my menu

We'll be together from the time the sun go-oes down

With my teeth deep in your neck before you can turn around

We'll be together undead for the rest of our lives

Baby all I need from is you just one bite

Just one bite

To show how I feel for you

I never would treat you cruel

For just one bite

Baby if I tasted you tonight

Then you would see how much

One bite really

Means to me-eee

I guess you'll learn how much I really love you so

Cause with just a single bite you'd for-ever know

We'll always be together each and every night

Instead of always having you on my menu

We'll be together from the time the sun go-oes down

With my teeth deep in your neck before you can turn around

We'll be together undead for the rest of our lives

Baby all I need from is you just one bite

"Why didn't you just do that earlier?" asked the Pirate to Sydonia, next to the old Japanese jalopy-bug at the edge of the cliff that Zeroshin had driven off of.

"Hey, I wouldn't leave without you," Sydonia said to the car.

"Well, we can't stay here forever. We have to think of a plan of action. If we don't get those ninjas, who knows what might happen?"

"Heh,"

I am not associated with the Hawaiian-contemporary groups `Ekolu, Ka`au Crater Boys, or Bruddah IZ. Nor do I have any authorization entitling me to the use of names from Squaresoft or Konami. I am also in no other ways than a viewer affiliated with ABC, KIKU, or JN Productions. The opening warning, the ending song, this copyright information, and even the following statement, were "shamelessly stolen from" Fritz Fraundorf.


End file.
